The Bunchionary Staff has taken note of what may be described as the passing of the era of the television theme song. We believe that much of the fault for this rests with "Seinfeld" that essentially thumbed its nose at convention; eschewing the theme song for something that sounded like it was cooked up on a
Casio. And, since imitation necessarily follows success in Hollywood, the past ten to fifteen years have been bereft of quality theme songs (with some exceptions).
But it was not always this way. The theme song used to be king and during the 1980s the theme song rose to new heights. It was during this time that theme songs even crossed over to radio play.
The Bunchionary Staff laments the passage of this era and offers forth the following television theme songs as benchmarks for greatness.
(1) "
Where Everybody Knows Your Name" (a.k.a. "Theme From Cheers") by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo, performed by Gary Portnoy.
"Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got; Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away?" So you ask, who is Gary Portnoy? Does it even matter? Besides his magnum opus, he is also the creative mastermind behind the themes to "
Punky Brewster" and "
Mr. Belvedere". Mitigating Factor: Staying power. Over the course of eleven seasons, the producers of "Cheers" had the good sense to stick with the sensitive workingman's drinking song.(2) "
Believe it or Not" (a.k.a. "Theme From Greatest American Hero) by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer, performed by Joey Scarbury.
"Look at what’s happened to me, I can’t believe it myself. Suddenly I’m up on top of the world, It should’ve been somebody else." The feelings of the reluctant hero Ralph Hinkley were aptly captured in this theme song that catapulted all of the way to Number 2 on the Billboard Charts in 1981. Mitigating Factor: One Minute and Forty-Five freaking seconds!!!! That's right. "Believe it or Not" played for a grand total of one hundred and five seconds to begin each episode of "The Greatest American Hero." That may not seem like a lot, but next time you are watching television, time the intros and see how long they run. Not a lot of theme songs are worthy of such a run.
(3) "
Gimme a Break" by Bob Christianson, Bob Garrett and Marley Sims, performed by Nell Carter.
"Gimme A Break! The game is survival! Gimme A Break, and plan my arrival! Gimme A Break for heaven's sake!
What happened to my piece of the cake?" There are actually two versions of the theme song: one that ran from 1981 to 1983 and one that ran from 1983 to 1987. The Bunchionary Staff has selected the earlier version of the song because it has a certain "je n est ce quoi", although in all fairness, the intro with the
second theme does feature Rosie O'Donnell and Joey Lawrence... Whoa!
Mitigating Factor: As far as we know, this is the only theme song on this list sung by a Tony Award winner.
(4) "
My Life" by Billy Joel, performed by the case of "Bosom Buddies" with Tom Hanks on lead vocals.
"I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright. I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home. I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life. Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone." As near as we can tell, this is the telephone conversation that gave rise to these lyrics:
Kip Wilson: "Dad, I'm thinking about changing majors."
Kip's Dad" "Well, I hope you have finally come to your senses and decided to major in..."
Kip: "Art, Dad. I'm now majoring in Art."
[Kip's mom feints.]
Kip's Dad: "Son, be reasonable."
Kip [Shouting]: "No, Dad! You be reasonable!"
Kip's Dad: "Son, if you major in art, one day you will wake up in drag living out of a hotel."
Kip [Breaking into song]: "
I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright..."
Mitigating Factor: Billy Joel. That has to count for something, right?
(5) "
The Facts of Life" by Alan Thicke, Gloia Loring and Al Burton, performed by Gloria Loring.
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life." Did you see who wrote this song??? We planned on discussing how catchy this song is or riffing about Tootie, but then we saw who wrote the damn thing... ALAN THICKE. Yes, that Alan Thicke. Kirk Cameron's television dad, together with Alan Thicke's real life wife on vocals. Mitigating Factor: Did you notice that Alan Thicke is responsible for this?
(6) "
Good Ol' Boys" by Waylon Jennings, performed by Waylon Jennings.
"Straight'nin' the curve, Flat'nin' the hills. Someday the mountain might get 'em, but the law never will." "Good Ol' Boys" is the great anti-authority song of television. Contrary to popular thought, this song dates back to the 1970s and was in no way responsible for the Whiskey Rebellion, but we can't help but feel that there were bonds that tied Bo and Luke Duke with certain Appalachian farmers in the late 18th century. Mitigating Factor: Waylong Jennings not only wrote and performed the song, but he appeared in the episodes as "the Balladeer." That is very, very cool.
(7) "
Diff'rent Strokes" by Alan Thicke, Al Burton and Gloria Loring.
"Everybody's got a special kind of story, Everybody finds a way to shine. It don't matter that you got not a lot
So what, They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine...." It almost seems criminal to mention this, but did you see that Alan Thicke wrote this? Oh yeah... with Alan Thicke on lead vocals. Who knew he had this kind of soul? Mitigating Factor: We do not know of any other theme song with an Ice Cube Remix.
The Bunchionary Staff fondly remembers the 1980s. It was a period of energy and optimism. Such was the feeling that serious people believed that gang turf wars might actually be resolved by breakdance competitions. (Seriously: see here and here).
