Wednesday, May 30, 2007

The Golden Age of the TV Theme Song

The Bunchionary Staff has taken note of what may be described as the passing of the era of the television theme song. We believe that much of the fault for this rests with "Seinfeld" that essentially thumbed its nose at convention; eschewing the theme song for something that sounded like it was cooked up on a Casio. And, since imitation necessarily follows success in Hollywood, the past ten to fifteen years have been bereft of quality theme songs (with some exceptions).

But it was not always this way. The theme song used to be king and during the 1980s the theme song rose to new heights. It was during this time that theme songs even crossed over to radio play.

The Bunchionary Staff laments the passage of this era and offers forth the following television theme songs as benchmarks for greatness.

(1) "Where Everybody Knows Your Name" (a.k.a. "Theme From Cheers") by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo, performed by Gary Portnoy. "Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got; Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away?" So you ask, who is Gary Portnoy? Does it even matter? Besides his magnum opus, he is also the creative mastermind behind the themes to "Punky Brewster" and "Mr. Belvedere". Mitigating Factor: Staying power. Over the course of eleven seasons, the producers of "Cheers" had the good sense to stick with the sensitive workingman's drinking song.

(2) "Believe it or Not" (a.k.a. "Theme From Greatest American Hero) by Mike Post and Stephen Geyer, performed by Joey Scarbury. "Look at what’s happened to me, I can’t believe it myself. Suddenly I’m up on top of the world, It should’ve been somebody else." The feelings of the reluctant hero Ralph Hinkley were aptly captured in this theme song that catapulted all of the way to Number 2 on the Billboard Charts in 1981. Mitigating Factor: One Minute and Forty-Five freaking seconds!!!! That's right. "Believe it or Not" played for a grand total of one hundred and five seconds to begin each episode of "The Greatest American Hero." That may not seem like a lot, but next time you are watching television, time the intros and see how long they run. Not a lot of theme songs are worthy of such a run.

(3)
"Gimme a Break" by Bob Christianson, Bob Garrett and Marley Sims, performed by Nell Carter. "Gimme A Break! The game is survival! Gimme A Break, and plan my arrival! Gimme A Break for heaven's sake!
What happened to my piece of the cake?"
There are actually two versions of the theme song: one that ran from 1981 to 1983 and one that ran from 1983 to 1987. The Bunchionary Staff has selected the earlier version of the song because it has a certain "je n est ce quoi", although in all fairness, the intro with the second theme does feature Rosie O'Donnell and Joey Lawrence... Whoa! Mitigating Factor: As far as we know, this is the only theme song on this list sung by a Tony Award winner.

(4) "My Life" by Billy Joel, performed by the case of "Bosom Buddies" with Tom Hanks on lead vocals. "I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright. I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home. I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life. Go ahead with your own life, and leave me alone." As near as we can tell, this is the telephone conversation that gave rise to these lyrics:
Kip Wilson: "Dad, I'm thinking about changing majors."
Kip's Dad" "Well, I hope you have finally come to your senses and decided to major in..."
Kip: "Art, Dad. I'm now majoring in Art."
[Kip's mom feints.]
Kip's Dad: "Son, be reasonable."
Kip [Shouting]: "No, Dad! You be reasonable!"
Kip's Dad: "Son, if you major in art, one day you will wake up in drag living out of a hotel."
Kip [Breaking into song]: "I don't need you to worry for me cause I'm alright..."
Mitigating Factor: Billy Joel. That has to count for something, right?

(5) "The Facts of Life" by Alan Thicke, Gloia Loring and Al Burton, performed by Gloria Loring. "You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have The Facts of Life, the Facts of Life." Did you see who wrote this song??? We planned on discussing how catchy this song is or riffing about Tootie, but then we saw who wrote the damn thing... ALAN THICKE. Yes, that Alan Thicke. Kirk Cameron's television dad, together with Alan Thicke's real life wife on vocals. Mitigating Factor: Did you notice that Alan Thicke is responsible for this?

(6)
"Good Ol' Boys" by Waylon Jennings, performed by Waylon Jennings. "Straight'nin' the curve, Flat'nin' the hills. Someday the mountain might get 'em, but the law never will." "Good Ol' Boys" is the great anti-authority song of television. Contrary to popular thought, this song dates back to the 1970s and was in no way responsible for the Whiskey Rebellion, but we can't help but feel that there were bonds that tied Bo and Luke Duke with certain Appalachian farmers in the late 18th century. Mitigating Factor: Waylong Jennings not only wrote and performed the song, but he appeared in the episodes as "the Balladeer." That is very, very cool.

(7)
"Diff'rent Strokes" by Alan Thicke, Al Burton and Gloria Loring. "Everybody's got a special kind of story, Everybody finds a way to shine. It don't matter that you got not a lot
So what, They'll have theirs, and you'll have yours, and I'll have mine. And together we'll be fine...."
It almost seems criminal to mention this, but did you see that Alan Thicke wrote this? Oh yeah... with Alan Thicke on lead vocals. Who knew he had this kind of soul? Mitigating Factor: We do not know of any other theme song with an Ice Cube Remix.














What is the best TV theme song?




Where Everybody Knows Your Name











Believe it or Not











Gimme a Break











My Life











Facts of Life











Good Ol' Boys











Diff'rent Strokes
















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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Saget Ratings


Some things are just fantastic while others leave a little or a lot to desire. And let's face it, these are busy times. Any decision-making help you can get is appreciated.

That is why The Bunchionary is pleased to announce its latest service for its readers - "Saget Ratings"
TM. As The Bunchionary Staff sees fit, it will award a Saget Rating to restaurants, people, places, etc.

Ratings are on a scale of one to five, and after much debate by the Saget Rating Working Group, it has been concluded that the more Sagets the better.

The Bunchionary looks forward to offering this service to its readers.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Flagophile Awards


The Bunchionary will, from time to time, take the opportunity to honor the heroes among us, those that go the extra mile for our county. Today, the Bunchionary honors the great singer and songwriter Neil Diamond. Even if it was his only song, his hit song "America" qualifies him for for a Flagophile award. I challenge every reader of this post to attend a rodeo and watch a brave man skydive into the rodeo arena while trailing an American flag while "America" blares over the PA system. I doubt any of you will be able to hold back the tears of joy. In fact, it is hard enough to hold back the tears while listening to "America" on the 4th of July, parked in a field, drinking Strawberry Hill, and blowing up old TV sets left in the field by a less-heroic American.


"America" is not, however, Diamond's only great American song. Take "Forever in Blue Jeans" for example. What could be more American than Levi's? Don't forget "You Don't Bring Me Flowers." Diamond is a friend of the free market system and in favor of commerce. Last but not least, there is "Brother Love." With the exception of Strawberry Hill, explosives, and rodeo, few things are more American than traveling evangelists.


So congratulations Neil Diamond. Congratulations on winning the Bunchionary's first Flagophile Award.


* The entire Bunchionary Staff voted on the award and the vote for Mr. Diamond was almost unanimous. Also receiving votes were Kirk Cameron and Kenny Rogers.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

From the Desk of Richard Milhous Stabone

As you no doubt have noticed, or perhaps experienced (especially those of you that have attempted voting in our online polling), we are experiencing what only can be described as growing pains. As they say in the industry, please excuse our dust.

As an aside, how did they ever get away with having a character on this show named "Boner"?

Monday, May 7, 2007

Pick' Em!

















Our CEO says you can't go wrong with either of the two, and we tend to agree but we can only afford one impersonator for The Bunchionary company picnic. Will it be the Gambler or the Outlaw? As always, your assistance is critically important to the continuing growth and success of The Bunchionary.

Market Research

As the Bunchionary continues its world wide march to greatness (Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and Guatemala!), The Bunchionary Consumer Affairs Department has asked that we attempt to better understand the nature of our readership. To assist in this process, The Bunchionary has retained the assistance of an outstanding consulting firm, who suggests that we begin by asking the following questions. Please take a moment to provide us with this valuable feedback.

Your cooperation is most appreciated.

How to End Conversations

Have you ever been in a situation where you have to be nice but wish you did not have to be nice? For instance, you are negotiating a multimillion dollar deal and there is one, small, inconsequential item that costs $1,000. The deal can be accomplished without incurring the fee, but the other side is just not interested. Now hours of time must be expended over this one, minor point for no good reason. Wouldn't it be great if there was a term that could be used in such a situation? I suggest SIUYA (pronounced "SUE-ya"). The response goes like this, "Please, go ahead and double my client's portion of that fee and siuya." Translated, this means, Please, go ahead and double my client's portion of that fee and shove it up your ass."

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

The Bunchionary Goes International !!!


A tip of the cap to The Bunchionary International Development Team - The Bunchionary logged its first international visitor and we could honestly not be any more excited if the visitor came from any other country than the Land Down Under. Maybe it is out love for Men At Work, Crowded House and Midnight Oil, but The Bunchionary always had a good thought about our efforts in Australia. Welcome aboard Australia.

For Your (Our) Health !!!


The Bunchionary (and its affiliated parent companies and subsidiaries) has a long history at the forefront of employee health issues. That is why, as of today, we will be implementing mandatory coffee consumption by our employees. Aside from the increase in productivity, this coffee consumption will also have the following positive benefits:

"There's evidence, Arab noted, that the beverage may protect against certain types of colon cancer, as well as rectal and liver cancer, possibly by reducing the amount of cholesterol, bile acid and natural sterol secretion in the colon, speeding up the passage of stool through the colon (and thus cutting exposure of the lining of the intestine to potential carcinogens in food), and via other mechanisms as well."

As you can imagine, the savings on our medical accounts should more than pay for this program. If you have any questions, or do not receive your Bunchionary-issued coffee carafe, please contact HR.




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